Now it came to pass in the time of Autumn that this Child of mine was taken off the List of Waiting and accepteth unto the Private School of Nursery.

Hear me, for I am the Mommy, thy Deliverer, who brought thee painfully out of my womb, without epidural, into the Land of Bert and Ernie, of the Street of Sesame.

I Thou shalt have no other mommies before me, but in absence of me, thou shalt listen to thy new nursery teacher once ye go forth from the safety of thy car seat each morning.

II Thou shalt not bow down unto bullies, not serve them. Beware, for I, thy Mommy, am a nervous Mommy, and wanteth not to be called upon to rush Thee to hospital for stitches.

III Thou shalt not take the name of thy Teacher in vain, for she will picketh thee up and plucketh thee out of this, thy expensive and private nursery school where the full term fee was already paid.

IV Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s Fisher Price playhouse, his cozy coupe car, nor his Thomas the Tank train, Duplos, Legos, Crayola crayons nor any toy that is of thy neighbor’s current possession when he clearly wisheth not to share.

V Honor thy Parents. Even if naughty four-letter words occasionally escapeth out from the mouth of thy Father, thou shalt endeavor not to repeateth such words in front of thy amazed nursery teacher and impressionable little friends.

VI Thou shalt not kill ants by squishing them in your fingers, nor centipedes by stomping on them, nor other exotic insects by pulling their legs off in order to tease thy more squeamish young classmates.

VII Thou shalt giveth ample warning to thy Teacher when thou needeth to pee-pee, and nod positively when addressed by any wise elder of the House of Nursery who may of thee asketh, “Are you SURE you don’t have to use the bathroom?

VIII Thou shalt not steal thy neighbor’s lunch box nor shalt thou shareth apple juice nor goldfish crackers with any child who hath a runny nose or unidentifiable, possibly contagious spots.

IX Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbor, especially when thou clearly are the one who rubbethed the red and blue finger paint all over Lizzie Seamer’s new dress.

X Remember the Sabbath day, to let Mommy and Daddy sleep until 8 am. For five days canneth thou get up boisterously, screaming, “Mommy, let’s go” Even on the sxith day canneth thou play earnestly when thou risest. But the seventh day is a Sabbath unto thy Parents who would like to sleep until 8:30, Thank Thee very much.

All the commandments which I command thee this day shall ye observe, that ye may obey thy new teacher, excel academically and socially and thus dwell in the Land of Kindergarten next year.

But the Child took no heed of the commandments on Day Three of that, the first week of the School of Nursery. And the Teacher promptly callethed upon the Mommy. And the Mommy so respondeth to the Teacher by way of the Phone of Cellular whilst in her car.

“Thou shalt please sayeth unto my child to Come ye to the phone, so he canst hearken unto the voice of his Mommy. “

And the Child perceived the thunder and lightning in the voice of the Mommy who had been on her way to HER FIRST YOGA CLASS IN MONTHS.

And, at noon, the time of picketh up, when the Child could still feel the wrath of Mommy, he trembled, and stood afar off. And the Mommy said,

“What meaneth ye then this behavior in this, thy new exclusive private school? Remember this: He that deviseth mischief receiveth not the HulkMuscle Playsuit. He shalt not remain unpunished.”

And all of the Children of Nursery, when they saw the Child trembling before the Mommy, his deliverer, were sore afraid! And, Behold! The teacher of nursery had no more problems that week nor the rest of the term from the Child or his friends. Thanks be to the Mommy!

This feature is excerpted from Faith R. Foyil’s new book Sunny Daze: The Humorous Misadventures of a Tropical Island Mom. You can visit the author at www.faithfoyil.com.