Mommisms are things your mother said a million times until one day they popped out of your mouth while you were ranting at your kids. For example:

Sometimes mommisms are simply flippant replies to your children’s endless shennanigans, but that doesn’t matter. What matters is that your kids have heard them a million times. This is one way parents can get even with their children – torturing them by repetition. Best of all, they don’t always have to make sense.

I know when a mommism is coming out of my mouth. I see my kids roll their eyes and mouth the words as I say them.

• You must think I took stupid pills this morning.


• I'm not having you go door-to-door selling stuff for the school. I have a tight budget, too, and you don't see me having you sell door-to-door, do you?


• I thought I'd buy you clothes instead of McDonalds. You'll look better wearing pants to school instead of a cheeseburger.


• DON'T you tell me what YOU are going to do! I'm the parent and I say what you're going to do…and I'll tell you what that is as soon as I figure it out!


• Why do you kids bother asking me a question and then don't bother to listen to the answer?


• You're miserable? Good. I'm doing a great job, then.


• This is NOT Burger King; you're not getting it your way, right away.


• Well, excuse me for trying to have a conversation with your father--please don't let that stop you from interrupting us.


• And if your friends told you to stick your underwear on your head and prance around in the street, would you?


• What's that you say? You want something? Do I hear, "You are the most superior and all powerful mother and I am but a poor toast crumb"?


• Boo-dee-beep! We're sorry, the mommy you have been whining to has been temporarily disconnected. Please try your complaint again later.


• You walk out this door you better keep on walking, mister. Don't you dare walk out that door!


• This is not a democracy. I am the Queen Mother.


• Here, I made your favorite dish - shutupandeatit.


• From now on no one in this house will look at or touch another person!


• Where’s my stash of chocolate?


• Where’s your father?!

Motherhood isn’t glamorous and mommisms prove that. But sometimes a mommism can make for some great comic relief in hindsight. Got a favorite mommism or quip? Send me a line.

LISA BARKER is a syndicated humor columnist and mom of five. Her latest book is “Just Because Your Kids Drive You Insane ... Doesn't Mean You Are A Bad Parent!” See www.JellyMom.com for more information.