In my never-to-end battle of the bulge, I thought I’d browse through some clothing catalogs. I thought I could inspire myself to stick to my diet with the promise of new clothes when I reach my weight goal.

Well, who would have thought that a clothes catalog would be my undoing? Did you know you could buy chocolate-colored slacks? And skirts come in lemon meringue, cranberry, cotton candy and mocha.

What brilliant marketing! What terrible temptations for those dieting who succumb to such impulses. Before I knew it I was drooling over the key lime Capri’s, the orange crème flip-flops and the licorice belt.

Ah, but it doesn’t end there. “They” are out to get women dieters on all levels.

Another diet strategy of mine is to use candles, soaps, lotions and bubble baths in place of chocolate and other calorie laden goodies when I need a little pick-me-up or pampering. Well, I just love the mango butter body lotion and the vanilla milk bath that leaves me smelling like a sugar cookie. Yes, they even have chocolate bars of soap. And yes, in a moment of weakness I actually licked the bar of soap. It does NOT taste like chocolate.

Evidently, “they” (those conspirators that wish to sell merchandise to moms) understand that we are tightening our belts and fighting the urge to indulge with edible goodies. They know we are looking toward other means of self-pampering…so they are assaulting us with these delicious colors and smells that remind us of the very treats we are trying to avoid on our diets.

This is not fair! I want to sue! And it’s not just the women who are dieting that are under attack—all women are in the line of fire. What with the monthly cycle we go through we are sure to go on a major spending spree at least once a month and the with this food-oriented marketing we could easily commit financial suicide.

Couldn’t we women level a class action lawsuit against these people? They are insidious; their strategy is everywhere. What next—postage stamps in five delicious flavors? Dog shampoo that smells like pound cake?

They might. Haven’t you seen the car deodorizers? There’s new car smell and money (for the men) and then they have vanilla spice, lemon, strawberry and banana (for women). Do they think we want to drive around in a smoothie?

So I went to the stationery store. I thought I’d draft a letter to the powers that be. But what shade of white letter tablet should I choose? Taffy, coconut, butter or whipped cream?

Geez, the stress was really getting to me. So I looked at candles. Cinnamon or raspberry?

By the time I made it home I was STARVING.

Jelly Mom^TM is written by Lisa Barker and syndicated through Martin-Ola Press /Parent To Parent and is available for newspapers, websites, e-zines and newsletters. For more information and details, please contact editor@parenttoparent.com